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4/02/2014

Colonoscopy Journal

Back again, with something that just came into our email, and I was laughing so hard I got tears in my eyes (on something that is really a quite serious subject to me, as you will know from previous posts I've made about The Colonoscopy). I could identify with all of this, and if you've ever had this procedure, I expect you will also. I just had to share this. It's good to find the humor in something that is truly not all that funny...Hope you will laugh as much as we did here at our house.
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Those of you who have already had one, it's fairly accurate and funny. For those of you who haven't had one yet, it's fairly accurate and funny.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.


I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,  'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


 After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space;  took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts. The kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me
that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I
knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy  that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you,
in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
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I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.


 Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

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On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients - (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there  yet?'
 

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
And the best one of all:
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

33 comments:

Karen Petitt said...

My poor mum has had to go through this Mary. A combination of giggles and yeucki! Karen x

jimlynn said...

I'm rolling on the floor with tears in my eyes I'm laughing so hard!!!!!!!! HOW TRUE!!!!
Lynn

Shona Erlenborn said...

Gosh Mary, thanks so much for the laugh! Absolutely hysterical.

Sue said...

Oh wow Mary!!!! this is sooooooooooo funny hahahahaha I can't stop laughing and I know its a serious subject because I've had it done but this is really funny!!!!!!!!!!! huggles Sue xxxxxxxxx

Kathleen said...

Really made me giggle, at least I know what to expect if I ever have to have one, must go and buy a bottle of vodka too, just in case.

Kath x

Donna Ellis said...

hahaha - cute! hugs, de

Rita said...

Well Mary, this was the funniest story for ages. We were both laughing till the years started to run Dow our cheeks with laughter. Loved the ending. Brilliant. Hugs Rita xxx

Benzi said...

Oh no!!!!!!!! A serious thing with a funny spin. For some reason, in the 1. to 12. list, I found #10 to be the most accurate along the line of my thoughts. HAHA

Benzi said...

I hope you got my last comment. Blogger is doing strange things.
I came back to say when I saw the title of your post, I thought, WHAT!!!!????? Mary is doing a journal on her colonoscopies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It can't be. I am so glad to see that wasn't it. LOL x a lot.

Kathyk said...

Thankfully, never had to have one of these but, if I ever do, I'll hope for the Dancing Queen experience and try my darndest to forget about the fire hose!!!!

Kathyk

Sheila H said...

This is absolutely hilarious, Mary. I know the truth of it because I've had it done twice. I hate it, but will have it done again when it is time. Thanks for the laughs!!

Carol L said...

Oh my gawd Mary - I cannot stop laughing now! LOL This is hysterically funny!!!! I just love those last few questions asked of the doctor.......ROFLMAO!!! #12 is brilliant!! Bwahahahahahaha!!!!

Pat said...

Oh Mary this is so funny, it really msde me laugh. My husband has had one of these and he thought how true this was, especially the bit about that vial substance you have to drink. He had a tranquiliser but wasn't knocked out and was able to watch what was happening on a screen. Luckily all was ok.

Lisa said...

Oh my gosh, this is the funniest thing ever!! I've never had one done but, oh my gosh, I feel like it after reading this!! So, so funny!! Thanks for the laugh!!

Lisa
A Mermaid's Crafts

Gail said...

Hahaha, that's great! I've never had this but my husband had 2 last fall!
I'm going to show it to him!

Darnell J Knauss said...

OMG, all I can think is, why didn't I write this?! I've had over a dozen of these dreaded exams and his description ... well, I could NOT have said it better mysel! He said it perfectlyf!! Thank you for sharing, Mary! Too funny!! Hugs, Darnell

Pippa said...

:)

Redanne said...

Oh Mary, that is so funny, the best laugh I have had for ages! I was a bit worried when I saw the title of your post though........ Hugs, Anne x

Kellie 0:) said...

You had me in hysterics Mary. Especially the Moviprep description. I have seen many patients through that experience and the flavour expressed seems spot on. Still laughing :D

Marilyn said...

Oh My Goodness! That is a funny story. Sitting here having my coffee and laughing hoping I don't spit out the coffee. I have had a few of these already and I need to go have another one soon. Just need to make an appointment for it

Brenda said...

This had me laughing so hard that I was glad I was alone in the house! So funny and so true!! Thanks for the laugh Momma Mary! Hugs

Bonnie said...

Haha! I think they need to start the sedation the day before!

Kim Heggins said...

Oh my...you had me on the floor laughing, this is just too funny! Thank you so much for sharing.

Diane said...

Oh Mary thank you for the laugh, it is always good to know other people have the same type of reaction.

Hugs Diane

Princess Judy Palmer said...

This brings back terrible memories. I remember people proudly telling me, "But you can have all the juice, jello, and clear soda you want!" I never have had a craving for any of those and I don't do that much sugar normally. I was so ill..... and yes, MoviPrep, don't let our enemies get a hold of that stuff.

Karen B said...

Been there (twice), done that and got the t-shirt!!! lol This was brilliant and I laughed so much......but it is so true. Glad I didn't read this before......hehe

Karen x

MagsB said...

I am laughing so much at that fantastic piece! How wonderful that someone can find the humour in such a horrible procedure. Thank you for sharing!

love Mags B x

Mayra Duran-Hernandez said...

This is so funny !!! I had to have the procedure done a couple of years ago , and it was torture, but I am glad I did it .

Hugs,
Mayra :)

Joni nina Andaya said...

Thank you for this post...made my day here in Jacksonville :) Hugs <3

Petra Swart said...

Hilarious, Mary!! Never had it done and hope to never need to have it done!!!! Thanks for the laugh!!

Faith A said...

So true, but I didn't have anesthesia!!!!!!

crafty-stamper said...

I have had this procedure done ONCE and when the specialist wanted it done a year later I absolutely flatly refused -and I wish I had been put to sleep but unfortunately was awake throughout and yes this article is completely accurate
carol x

Sande said...

Having lived through this procedure about 6 months ago I can totally relate to your story. It should come with a warning.."no liquids in mouth until you've read the entire post." By the time I got to the patient comments I spit hot coffee on the monitor as I was laughing so hard.

Like you I remember nothing about the procedure itself. But the 24 hours prior after drinking the lovely lemon flavored mixture is a memory you'll never forget. Sadly. I can't imagine having it done while awake.